


The Monster Within

by Butterfly_girl



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Friendship, Gen, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Love, M/M, Mild Gore, Nightmares, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-30 12:38:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13951716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterfly_girl/pseuds/Butterfly_girl
Summary: All my Glaive Week one shots in one place.Day 1: Dreams and Nightmares (gen)Day 2: Belief (CorNyx)Day 4: Guiding hope (CorNyx)Day 5: Elements (CorNyx)





	1. The Monster Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyx has nightmares that are seriously affecting his life. His self destructive behaviour is beginning to worry his friends but, luckily for Nyx, they will do whatever they can to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Glaive Week Day 1- Prompt: Dreams and Nightmares
> 
> This got way more intense than I originally planned...

_It’s too late. He knows there’s nothing he can do now. The crimson flames, glowing ominously in the darkness, are already large enough to hungrily lick the roofs of the buildings, spreading still further with every gust of wind. The fire flickers, catching the corner of his eye. It flares, leaps, spits angrily, devouring everything in its path. It’s hungry and indiscriminate, consuming everything it encounters, whether that be a living creature or an inanimate object. The stale odour of charred skin mixed with billowing smoke reaches him, and he wrinkles up his nose, a shiver running through his veins. Those are his people. He should have saved them. But it’s too late now. The fire crackles out showers of sparks like a fountain, the sound like static to his ears, masking the cacophony of noise that fills the streets. He shakes his head, trying to clear some of the unwanted noise. His eyes widen as he hears shouting, crying, screaming. One scream stands out above the rest, tearing through his entire body like a shard of glass, cutting him open from head to toe. Is it her? Please, gods, let it not be her. He stands still, his eyes widening and his pulse quickening, his heart thudding against his rib cage as the scream comes again. Louder this time. Desperate. Terrified. Before he can even make a conscious decision, he realises that his legs are pounding furiously on the uneven muddy track, his ears straining for more clues. Where is she? He has no idea what he will do when he gets there, just that he has to find the source of the screaming. He has to get to her. He has to save her._

********

The rhythmic pounding on the front door of his apartment, overly loud for this time in the morning but a welcome interruption all the same, startled Nyx out of his traumatic nightmare, the overwhelming tightness in his chest forcing him to gasp for breath as he readjusted to the relative safety of the bedroom. The sheets were twisted around his limbs as they were every morning these days- a result of him struggling and thrashing around in the night- and he pushed himself onto his side, peeling the covers back in a futile attempt to untangle himself. His heart still thudded in his chest and he noticed his hands trembling as he reached up to push his hair away from his clammy forehead. His cheeks were damp and streaked with tears and his body was bathed in a cold sweat, causing his pants to cling uncomfortably to his legs.

“It isn’t real. Just a dream. I’m awake now,” he muttered to himself, repeating the words over and over like a hypnotic melody, the rhythm soothing him and bringing him back to reality. He kept his eyes jammed tightly shut, face pressed into the warm pillow, until he was sure that he was truly awake, that he wouldn’t open his eyes and find himself staring at his sister’s charred body. 

It was the same every night. Not _exactly_ the same, but the nightmares always ended the same way- with Nyx searching for his sister, crying her name, watching Galahd burn. And there was no use him being in denial about it. The worst of them- the dreams of fire, daemons tearing his friends apart, his family lost to the darkness- were going to be here to stay, he was sure about that. He was just going to have to deal with it as best he could, pushing the memories to the back of his mind whenever possible so that he could attempt to get on with the rest of his life. The alcohol helped- usually- to dull the depression so that on most days he just felt sad rather than feeling the need to scream and shout and cry hysterically as he had in the initial weeks after his sister’s death. It helped him sleep, at least. These days he found he couldn’t sleep at all unless he’d had a few drinks. His thoughts just wouldn’t switch off, wouldn’t let him stop dwelling on what had happened. It replayed scenes from his nightmares over and over again as he lay there awake, staring at the ceiling. Except that they weren’t just nightmares. These things were real. They had really happened. And the nightmares were a constant reminder of the events of the past, a way of his fragile mind forcing him to relive things that he wished above all else he could forget.

There was another knock, so powerful and insistent this time that Nyx could hear the door rattle against its frame. He groaned as he pushed his body up, forcing it into a seated position in the bed, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to clear some of the hazy, disorientated feeling that still overwhelmed him. His head was pounding and his eyes stung as they adjusted to the morning light that crept in through the gaps in the blinds, filling the room with a brightness that Nyx wasn’t ready for.

“Nyx! What the fuck are you doing in there? Open the door!” Even in his tired and confused state, he recognised the voice. Libertus. But why was he so eager to talk to him? He would see him at training in a few hours anyway- surely whatever it was could wait until then! It was still far too early to be awake. 

Nyx sighed in frustration and kicked off the remaining covers. Every muscle in his body ached as if he had been tossing and turning all night, which he probably had, and the dull pain that filled his head was getting worse with every movement. He dragged his uncooperative feet off the bed and got slowly to his feet, stretching his arms above his head as he did so in one final attempt to ease the tightness that spread through his entire body. His hands were still trembling- though whether it was from residual fear of the nightmare or the after effects of last night’s drinking session he wasn’t sure- and, as he gingerly took a single step towards the door, he felt so unsteady that he was forced to lean one hand against the wall for support. 

“Come on, Nyx. Pull yourself together,” he muttered to himself. He knew that if he could just get another hour or so of peaceful, uninterrupted sleep, he would feel so much better. No need to skip training just because of a nightmare.

“Seriously, Nyx. Don’t make me break down the door!” The frustration in Libertus’ voice was laced with a hint of concern that Nyx rarely heard. 

“Lib?” Nyx’s voice sounded hoarse and he was shocked to hear it crack slightly as he spoke. He cleared his throat. “Hang on. I’m coming.”

He removed his hand from where it still rested on the wall and forced his body to stand up straight. He took a few more steps forward before having to stop again. The room was spinning which, coupled with the shaking in his legs, made him feel like he might not make it as far as the door. A knot had formed in his stomach which was beginning to make him feel nauseous. He was desperate to sit down and close his eyes but he knew that the faster he spoke to Libertus, the faster he would be able to get rid of his friend and get back to bed. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself. 

“Hey, Nyx!” It was Crowe. “Are you ok in there?” The worry in her voice sounded genuine and Nyx wondered how long they had been standing at his door trying to get him to answer. It must have been a while if they were _this_ concerned…

“Yeah, I’m fine!” The words seemed to stick in his throat, coming out sounding tight and tense rather than bright and cheerful as he had intended.

He shuffled towards the door, quickly unbolting it and swinging it open.

“About time! We are so late for training. Again! Drautos is gonna go crazy! There’s no way he’ll let us off this time. What…?” Libertus’ words trailed off as he caught sight of Nyx, his skin pale and his eyes red and swollen. “Shit dude, you look rough!”

“Lib!” Crowe frowned slightly, digging a pointed elbow into Libertus’ ribs and making him yelp in pain.

“What?!” Libertus exclaimed, pushing her roughly away, the corners of his lips twitching into a slight smile as he did so. “He does! Sorry, dude” He turned to Nyx, gripping his shoulder tightly, the frown returning to his face when he noticed how much his friend was quivering under his hand.

“Lib’s right, Nyx. You don’t look well,” Crowe said, placing one hand comfortingly on Nyx’s arm. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m fine. It’s just...it’s nothing,” Nyx replied tersely, stepping backwards and shaking his friends off in frustration. He hated the fact that they were seeing him like this- so fragile and vulnerable. Far from the ‘hero’ that everybody expected him to be. He felt his face burning in embarrassment and looked down at the floor to hide the redness that he knew would be working its way across his cheeks, unable to meet his friends’ concerned gazes. More than anything he wanted to slam the door in their faces and climb straight back into bed, pulling the covers over his head and hiding from the world. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He needed to act like everything was normal. If he could pretend for long enough, maybe he’d actually be able to believe it himself. 

He cleared his throat again and clenched his fists tightly to stop them from trembling. “What time is it? How long you been out here for, anyway?”

“It’s after 9.30 already. And we’ve been knocking for at least half an hour! Tried calling you too. We were starting to wonder if you’d died or something!” Libertus chuckled softly, stopping abruptly when he saw the miserable expression etched across Nyx’s face. “Sorry- just trying to make you smile. You know I hate to see you so down. Guess my attempt at a joke didn’t work so well…”

“It’s fine, Lib. Don’t worry about it.” Nyx tried to smile but could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes instead as he spoke. 

“It’s fine. You’re fine. That’s all you keep saying, Nyx,” Crowe exclaimed, her voice firm and abrupt. “But it’s obvious you’re not. Just tell us what’s wrong!” 

Nyx sighed, running his eyes across his forehead and through his hair. Libertus had known him since they were young children and Crowe- well, ever since they’d found her she had been like a little sister to the both of them. They knew him far too well. He couldn’t hide anything from them, and especially not something like this, something that was affecting him so badly. 

“Look. We’re late anyway and I’m not really in the mood to be on the other end of one of Drautos’ lectures about ‘commitment and dedication to the King’ this morning,” Libertus laughed. “And anyway, you don’t look like you’re in any fit state to go anywhere.”

“No. I’m…”

“You’re fine?” Crowe cut him off mid sentence, her smirk and raised eyebrows warning him what would happen if he tried to continue. “Give it a break, Nyx. You’re not getting rid of us, right Lib?”

“Right. What sort of friends would we be if we didn’t try to help?” Libertus pushed past Nyx and carried on up the hallway without even the slightest hesitation. “Come on Crowe. You try and get him talking and I’ll make the coffee. He looks like he needs it.”

********

By the time Libertus placed a steaming cup of coffee down in front of him, Nyx had managed to calm himself down. His head still hurt like hell but the shaking in his hands had stopped and the room was no longer spinning. He felt more like himself. More able to talk without feeling like he might break down at any second. He knew if he started crying, he wouldn’t be able to stop. So he needed to make sure he didn’t start. He didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of showing his emotions- not even in front of his best friends.

“Fuck, Nyx. What happened here last night? Partying without us? This place is a mess!” Libertus exclaimed, flopping down in the chair next to him.

“Do I look like I’ve been in the mood for a party?” Nyx replied sullenly, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. He knew Libertus was just trying to help but he wasn’t sure he could deal with his friend today. He just wanted to be alone.

“Obviously not. But...you _have_ been drinking, right?” Crowe asked, holding out the cup, taking Nyx’s hands and wrapping them around it when he didn’t move to take it himself. “Take this. It’ll help.”

The warmth of the cup felt soothing against his clammy skin and the tenderness of Crowe’s hands as they touched his own at last brought a smile to his face. He looked up to see her expression soften. Her words didn’t sound harsh and accusatory as he had expected them to be. They were kind and patient. Crowe reminded him of her sometimes- of his sister. It was the way she cared about people. The way she cared about _him_. The reminder wasn’t painful though- not like one of his nightmares. It was reassuring, like part of her was still with him, still by his side. Like she forgave him for not being able to save her.

“Yeah,” Nyx admitted. “I’ve...I can’t sleep unless I’ve had a drink.”

“By the number of empty bottles in the kitchen, I’m guessing we’re not just talking about one drink here,” Libertus snapped, his words laced with frustration. 

“No. It’s more than one. It’s…it’s a few. It’s not what you think though, Lib. I can control it. I know what I’m doing.” Nyx winced as he listened to himself say the words he knew his friends wanted to hear. The pleading that filled his voice made him sound so unconvincing, so desperate. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to persuade- Libertus or himself. He wasn’t sure of anything any more...

“For fuck’s sake, Nyx. Do you even believe what you’re saying? You need to talk to us. You have to stop doing this to yourself. Imagine what Selena would say! She’d be ashamed of the way you’re behaving…”

“Don’t talk about her. You know nothing about what my sister would think!” Nyx exploded, leaping up from the chair in such a rush that the cup he was holding went flying, sending splashes of hot coffee all over the floor. Anger coursed through his veins and he could hear his breathing becoming more ragged, more uneven. He wanted to hit something, to punch something with full force, to scream and shout at the top of his lungs. 

“Hey. Relax. This isn’t helping.” Libertus’ voice sounded muffled and distant.

“You don’t know what it’s like, living with this guilt, reliving it every single night. I should have saved her, Lib. It’s my fault that she’s dead. Don’t you see- I should have died instead of her. I don’t deserve to be the one that survived. How am I supposed to live with that?!” 

The room was spinning again. He couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?

“Nyx. Calm down, Nyx. It’s going to be alright.” Crowe was standing in front of him now, her hands on his shoulders, rubbing them gently, soothing him. “Deep breaths. Come on. Look at me. Follow my breathing.”

Nyx forced his eyes to meet Crowe’s, focusing on the steady inhale and exhale of each breath. He felt his own breathing and heart rate gradually begin to match that of his friend’s, slowing down and returning to normal. His hands were clammy and, when he looked down at them, he realised that they had started shaking again. 

“Shit. I’m sorry. I…” Nyx stopped and swallowed loudly, forcing the sobs that were rising in his throat back down into his chest. He couldn’t cry. Not now.

“Don’t be sorry,” Libertus muttered. “I should be the one apologising. I should never have said that about Selena.”

“You were just being honest, Lib. She _would_ be ashamed.” Nyx slumped back down on the chair, folding his arms across his chest. “I mean...I’m ashamed of myself.” He heard cracks appearing in his voice but he wasn’t sure he cared anymore. After what had just happened, why would he be embarrassed by a few tears. He’d just had a full on panic attack for fuck’s sake! So much for hiding his emotions.

“What are you talking about, Nyx?” Crowe comforted, crouching down on the floor beside him, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing gently. “You’ve been through so much and you never talk about any of it. It’s no surprise that everything has got too much for you.”

Nyx rubbed his eyes to wipe away the tears that had begun to form. 

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted quietly. “I think I’m broken.”

“No. Don’t ever say that. You’re strong, Nyx. One of the strongest people I know, actually.” Nyx looked up again, his eyes finding Libertus’. His friend’s voice was so earnest and his eyes were sincere- he seemed like he was telling the truth. But how could he be? He wasn’t strong at all. He was weak and pathetic. What sort of person got themselves into such a mess because of a few nightmares? Libertus was wrong, Nyx was sure of it.

“Lib…” 

Libertus held up a hand to silence him.

“I don’t want to hear it, Nyx. Sure, you’re having a tough time. But that doesn’t make you weak.”

“It’s true. You can get through this. Let us help. Please?” Crowe still had her hand on Nyx’s knee and it was reassuring somehow- it kept him rooted in reality, stopped his thoughts from drifting back into the past, from fixating on the horrors that threatened to overwhelm him.

He took a deep breath, straightening up and looking Crowe in the eye. Perhaps his friends were right. Maybe he could do this, sort his life out, after all. Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix this mess.

“Okay,” he breathed, relief flooding through him as soon as the word left his mouth. “But...how…?”

“Don’t worry about that right now.” Libertus smiled at him, his face softening as he put an arm around Nyx’s shoulders. “I promise we’ll find a way. Do you trust me?”

Nyx smiled back. He felt like a weight- one which had been weighing him down for so long- had been lifted and, for the first time in a very long time, he was able to see a glimmer of hope, to imagine a future in which he was able to live his life free of guilt. 

“I would trust you with my life,” he said. “Both of you.”

He knew that he had a long road ahead of him, that it wouldn’t be easy, that the path would be full of ups and downs. But he was ready to try. For his sister. For his two friends. For himself.


	2. Just Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cor used to find it hard to put anything before his work. But with Nyx in his life, things have changed.
> 
> And sometimes all it takes is for somebody to believe that everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Glaive Week Day 2- Prompt: Belief
> 
> Basically just an excuse to write CorNyx hurt/comfort. As if I needed an excuse...

It had been a busy day- even busier than usual, if that was possible- and Cor hadn’t had even a second to himself. He wasn’t sure what time it was but, if the rumbling of his stomach was anything to go by, it was way past lunch time already. He let out a sigh of frustration. He hated days like these- busy yet somehow so unproductive. He hadn’t managed to cross a single item off his list of ‘things to do by the end of the day’. If anything, the list seemed to be growing rather than shrinking! 

He supposed he’d just have to skip lunch and power through the rest of the afternoon if he wanted to get home at any point before midnight. He knew that if he had to work late again- when he had already been worked until the early hours of the morning twice this week- Nyx would go crazy. And, although he wasn’t exactly sure what he would say or do if he felt like Cor was being treated unfairly, like he was being made to work too hard, it wasn’t something he wanted to think about too much, let alone experience. He smiled as he thought about Nyx. He still wasn’t completely sure what was going on between the two of them, or how it had happened that they had ended up living together, in a relationship of sorts. But he didn’t feel the need to question it too deeply. They were good for each other, he knew that. And, for the first time in a long time, he felt content with his life. 

Cor’s thoughts were interrupted by the vibration of his phone against his leg. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed again. Who could it possibly be this time? No doubt somebody with yet another job for him to add to his seemingly never-ending list. He was sorely tempted to leave the phone where it was and ignore the message- just for a few hours while he at least made a start on the things he already had to do. What harm could it do, after all? 

He pushed back his chair and stood up, grabbing his jacket from the back of the door, a new feeling of determination flooding through him. The sooner he got things done, the sooner he could get home to Nyx. What better motivation was there? He was halfway out of the door before he had a change of heart, a slight niggle at the back of his mind which told him that the message could be important. It was his responsibility to at least look at it. He could always choose to ignore it afterwards if he wanted to.

Slipping the phone out of his pocket, Cor glanced briefly at the screen. Four missed calls. How hadn’t he noticed them? Surely he hadn’t been that engrossed in his work that he had somehow managed to miss all four? He squinted at the name of the caller. Nyx. Why had Nyx called him so many times? A feeling of panic began to rise in his chest as he ran through all the possible reasons in his head, each one getting worse and more anxiety-inducing than the last. Nyx never called him at work. Something must be wrong.

He could feel his heart pounding as he opened the first message. 

**12:10pm:**  
Nyx: Are you busy? Need to talk.

Shit. Why hadn’t he checked his phone earlier? He scrolled quickly to the next message, trepidation running through his veins as he did so, all thoughts of work forgotten.

**1:10pm:**  
Nyx: Cor?

**1:11pm:**  
Nyx: I guess you must be working.

Cor checked the time. 2:15pm. Fuck. It had been more than two hours since Nyx had first messaged him. He hurriedly composed a reply, cursing the fact that he hadn’t got back in touch sooner.

**2:15pm:**  
Cor: Sorry. Got caught up in work. Everything okay?

He flexed his fingers, cracking each knuckle in turn as he continued to stare at the screen of his phone. It was a nervous habit of his that he was desperately trying to get out of. Nyx always teased him about it- said that it was the only thing that gave away how he was feeling. His palms were clammy now and he could feel himself beginning to sweat as he awaited Nyx’s reply. The sound of his breathing stood out against the silence that surrounded him, becoming uneven and ragged as each second passed, every breath catching in his throat as his thoughts focussed on Nyx sitting at home alone, struggling to stay afloat, feeling alone. 

They had only started to really talk recently, but even before they had become more open with each other, Cor had always managed to spot when Nyx was having a tough time. He knew because he experienced a lot of the same emotions himself. The overwhelming sadness. The anxiety. The fear of not being enough. It was one of the things that had caused them to bond, to become so close. They had both gone through so much. They were both broken. Cor knew that he could never fix Nyx, just as Nyx could never fix him. But, on the bad days, they could support each other, stop each other falling back into the void of depression that so often caused them to isolate themselves from the world. 

Nyx needed him today and he hadn’t been there. Why hadn’t he been there for him? He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, taking deep breaths as he tried to compose himself.

The sudden vibration as the message finally came through startled Cor, causing him to jump so violently that the phone almost slipped from his grip. He managed to grab hold of it just before it fell, holding it up and shielding it from the early afternoon sun, low in the sky so that it was able to creep in through the partially shielded windows, so that he could see the screen clearly.

**2:21pm:**  
Nyx: Not really.

Cor had barely had chance to read the message before the phone vibrated again, twice in quick succession.

**2:22pm:**  
Nyx: Sorry.

**2:23pm:**  
Nyx: Are you busy?

For a split second, Cor thought about the list, before shaking his head and tapping out a brief reply. Work could wait. There were more important things. He chuckled softly as he heard himself in his head. He sounded so unlike his usual self that he almost wondered if he was listening to somebody else’s thoughts. What had Nyx done to him? A few months ago, he would never have caught himself saying that, would never have even considered putting anything before his work, let alone any _one._

**2:24pm:**  
Cor: I’m ahead of schedule, actually.

A little white lie never hurt anyone. And he knew that Nyx would be the first person to drop everything and rush to his side if he ever needed anything.

**2:25pm:**  
Cor: Why? You need something?

He tried to sound casual and unconcerned but, at the same time, hoped his brevity wasn’t coming across as flippant. He was so used to being by himself that he wasn’t always sure what to say, how to react. He knew he could come across as uncaring a lot of the time but, where Nyx was concerned, nothing could be further from the truth. Cor cared about him more than he could even admit to himself sometimes. But he also knew that Nyx would be devastated if he thought that he’d worried Cor, and the last thing he wanted was to make his anxiety any worse than it already was.

**2:26pm:**  
Nyx: I don’t feel too good. Can you come home?

**2:27pm:**  
Cor: On my way

He sent the reply without hesitation, throwing his phone into his jacket pocket before rummaging around on his desk for his keys, eventually finding them under a pile of paperwork- one of the many thing he had been meaning to sort today. He felt a small pang of guilt as he thought about the work that he should be doing, but he shook the feeling off quickly. It wasn’t important. Not at the moment.

“Marshal?”

It was Libertus, who was standing in the doorway with a perplexed look on his face.

“Didn’t think to knock, I take it?” Cor muttered, standing up and straightening himself up, trying his best not to look as flustered as he felt.

“Sorry Sir. I did knock but…” Libertus’ voice trailed off into nothingness. Cor hoped that Libertus might take his lack of response as a hint to leave, but the glaive stood his ground, blocking the doorway.

“Was there something you needed?” Cor attempted to maintain an air of calm, hoping that he had managed to paste a neutral expression on his face- and that it was good enough to hide what he was really feeling.

“I just…I wanted to ask…” Libertus stared down at the floor, unable to make eye contact.

“What? What did you want to ask?” Cor knew that some of the frustration he was feeling had crept into his voice but he wasn’t sure he cared. All he cared about was getting home to Nyx as quickly as possible.

“Sorry. I wanted to ask about Nyx.”

“What about him?” Cor was curious now. Had Libertus noticed a change in Nyx’s behaviour? Had Nyx said something to him? He knew that they had been friends for a long time- since childhood, in fact. But he wasn’t sure exactly how much Nyx talked about how he was feeling. He didn’t want to speak out of turn, not if Nyx wanted to keep Libertus in the dark about how much he was struggling. 

“I’m worried about him, Marshal. He sent me a very strange message this morning- it didn’t sound like him at all. He sounded so sad…” Libertus’ voice cracked as he spoke and he paused to clear his throat before continuing. “I tried to go round to the apartment earlier but he didn’t answer the door. I just want to check that he’s okay. I thought you might know. I know that….I know you two are close these days.” He muttered the words quickly so that they ran into one another, making it sound as if he was saying one long word rather than a sentence. It seemed as if he was nervous, worried that he was saying the wrong thing.

“I’m heading home now, actually. I’m sure he’s fine.” Cor tried to sound reassuring. There was no point in a third person getting caught up in this emotional rollercoaster that the two of them seemed to be riding. “I can let you know how he’s doing, if that would help set your mind at rest?”

“Thank you, Marshal. It’s appreciated. I’ll let you go then.”

Cor slipped through the door, relieved that the encounter hadn’t taken up more of his time but, at the same time, grateful that Nyx had so many people who cared about him. Libertus was a good friend. He smiled thoughtfully as he headed towards his car and, as he slid into driver’s seat, he pulled out his phone to fire off one final message.

**2:51pm:**  
Cor: Got held up. In the car now. Be home soon.

He paused. There was so much more that he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure that he could find the words. Before he could even compose his thoughts, the screen of his phone lit up again.

**2:52pm:**  
Nyx: Thanks

**2:52pm:**  
Nyx: I love you

He stared at the message for a few moments, letting Nyx’s words sink in. Three little words on a screen- that’s all they were. And yet, they meant so much to him. More than he could ever explain. It wasn’t the first time Nyx had told him that he loved him, but the words never lost their impact.

**2:53pm:**  
Cor: I love you, too

His fingers moved quickly across the letters, forming the words and pressing send before he could change his mind. He didn’t find it easy to express his feelings, to talk about love. But if he loved anyone, it was Nyx.

**2:54pm:**  
Nyx: Things will be okay, won’t they?

**2:55pm:**  
Cor: Yes. I promise things will get better.

**2:56pm:**  
Nyx: I believe you. See you soon.

Cor put his phone down on the passenger seat and turned the key in the ignition. He would drive home and knew that he was willing to spend as much time as was needed to make Nyx feel better, to help him to fight the demons that forced him to retreat into himself, caused him to become lost in his memories. The past meant nothing now. It was all about the future. _Their_ future. He had meant what he said in his message. Things would get better, for both of them.

And he had never believed anything more strongly in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come and chat on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard)


	3. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyx sometimes struggles to identify what is real and what isn't- but it's never before happened to him on the battlefield. When it does, things quickly get very serious. Can a familiar voice from his past help him find his way back to the present?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Glaive Week Day 4- Prompt: Guiding hope
> 
> This wasn't what I planned to write for this prompt, but I've been really struggling this week and I think writing this has helped me work through some things. I was going to keep this just for myself but decided to share anyway...

The hordes of daemons were coming at him faster than he could deal with. It was too much. Even _he_ wasn’t good enough to take down what seemed like hundreds of them single handedly. He stumbled backwards slightly, his boots losing their grip on the muddy, uneven ground beneath his feet. and looked up, his eyes wildly scanning the area for a place where he could seek temporary refuge- even just for a few moments- so that he could gather what was left of his strength. 

He saw Libertus, no more than a few metres away, gesturing frantically at him. His mouth was moving, an expression of panic etched across his face, but Nyx was unable to hear the words that were emerging from his friend’s lips. Crowe, too, was there, her face set in a familiar frown of concentration as she completely focused her mind on the battle she was engaged in. She glanced over at him and called something- his name, perhaps? A warning? But he couldn’t hear. 

“What?” he shouted over the explosions that were going on around him. “I can’t hear you!”

He knew that he had called out, could feel the echoes of the vibrations in his throat. But the exclamation was soundless. Even his own voice had been silenced. 

He tried not to panic- it not uncommon for the cries of his comrades to be masked by the sheer amount of noise, the shouting and gunfire of the battlefield. But this time it was more than that. He felt detached, separated from his surroundings, as if there was an invisible barrier- a shield, almost- between himself and his friends. Between himself and the daemons. Nyx shook his head in confusion, trying desperately to clear some of his thoughts. Upon second glance, the barrier wasn’t completely invisible. Not to him at least. It was really there, like looking through a smudged and slightly dirty window. He could still see what was going on, but it wasn’t clear. Wasn’t crisp. It was duller, somehow. And it felt like the sounds of the battlefield were being blocked from reaching his ears by some other entity. 

Suddenly, everything seemed to slow down, as if his enemies and comrades were all moving in slow motion. Characters in the type of terrible action movie that Nyx always laughed at with Libertus. The noise that had been so overwhelming, so loud, only a few moments ago faded into nothingness. Nyx couldn’t remember the last time he had experienced such silence. No. Not silence. It was more like static was filling his ears, camouflaging the cacophony of terror-stricken sounds that filled his surroundings.

Nyx slammed his eyes tightly closed and tried to catch his breath. Something wasn’t right. He didn’t feel like he was here, like things were real. This wasn’t the first time this had happened but it was the first time he’d experienced it during a battle- when his life, and the lives of others, were at stake. Depersonalisation, the doctor had called it. A symptom rather than a condition. Something that could be managed to a certain extent but that would never fully go away. Not while his anxiety was this bad, at least. It was something that he would just have to learn to deal with. He tried to remember what he had discussed with Cor, what they had decided would work to help him re-focus when he got like this, how Cor had managed to help him find his way back to reality the last time this had happened.

_“I’m Nyx Ulric. I’m from Galadh. I’m a member of the Kingsglaive. I protect King Regis. Libertus and Crowe are my friends. Cor Leonis loves me.”_

He repeated the words over and over in his head, lingering over the last phrase, a feeling of warmth growing in his stomach as he considered the implications of it. He had never imagined that- even in his broken, depressed and, if he was honest with himself, totally fucked up state- someone would love him. And especially not someone like Cor. But here he was. Loved. And if that wasn’t reason enough to stay alive, to keep fighting, he didn’t know what was…

Against the silence, the drumming of his heartbeat seemed abnormally loud. He felt his breath quicken and, despite continuing to repeat the words that normally helped him stay rooted in reality, he could feel his grip loosening. He was drifting further and further away from the events on the battlefield. Further and further into his own, anxious thoughts. And there didn’t seem to be anything he could do to stop himself.

“Not now. Please, gods, not now,” Nyx whispered to himself. He opened his eyes, hoping above anything that the hazy, disorientated feeling had disappeared but he was out of luck. “Come on Nyx. Focus. You _have_ to focus.”

Where was Cor? If he was here, if only Nyx could pick him out amongst the chaos, he knew that things would be okay. That he would somehow be able to muster the strength to keep fighting. He had never believed that he was anything special but- when he was with Cor- he sometimes got a brief glimpse of the way he supposed other people saw him. He felt important, invincible. Cor made him feel strong, almost like the hero that he was supposed to be. Sometimes he wondered how he’d ever managed to cope without him. 

He scanned the battlefield, desperation rising in the pit of his stomach as he searched for the man he loved. His heart leapt when he spotted him, ferociously fighting off daemons with what looked like effortless swipes of his katana.

“Cor!” he shouted, shakily getting to his feet, his legs wobbling uncontrollably as they almost gave out underneath his body, unable to support his weight. He couldn’t fight. Not in this state. He needed to get somewhere safe. 

Distracted, he took a step forward, not thinking to scan his surroundings for potential dangers first. He was still trying to regain his balance when he felt something slam into him, throwing him backwards through the air and causing him to hit the ground with such force that, for a few moments, he thought that he must have broken every bone in his body. He grimaced as he attempted to push himself up off the ground, the floating sensation that continued to flood through his mind and body not enough to mask the effects of his injuries. He collapsed in a heap, the sharp pain in his side too overwhelming for him to even attempt more movement. Before his eyes, Nyx noticed that his surroundings were beginning to lose colour. He was going to pass out, he knew it. And, if that happened, he would surely be killed. He couldn’t just lie here out in the open, easy prey for his enemies. He had to move, and quickly, if he wanted to have any chance of survival.

Nyx cautiously ran his hand down his side, quickly checking himself for any serious injuries. His fingers were as gentle as they could possibly be as they skimmed the area that the pain seemed to be emanating from, but even the lightest touch brought tears to his eyes. He removed his hand and brought it up in front of his face, holding in a gasp of horror as he saw the deep red, sticky sheen that now clung to his skin. This was bad. He was losing too much blood. He needed to get help.

“Cor!” he called again, his voice quieter and weaker already. There was no way that Cor was going to hear him, and even if he did he wouldn’t be able to get to him in time. Cor was engaged in a battle of his own, as were Libertus and Crowe. There was nobody around to help him. He needed to get himself to safety.

He groaned as he shifted onto his hands and knees, the pain causing red and black spots to dance before his eyes, trying to avoid his side touching the ground as he did so. He scanned the nearby area again, finally finding what he was looking for. A wall. It was partially collapsed, but it looked stable and would hopefully be enough to hide him. And, more importantly, it wasn’t far away. Nyx didn’t think his body would be able to carry him far at all. He took a deep breath before half crawling, half dragging himself towards his new-found refuge. The nausea that had settled in his stomach began to surface again, rising until he could almost taste it at the back of his throat.

“Nearly there. Come on. You can do it.” He urged his body to keep going, to push just a little bit further. “Please. Don’t give up on me now.”

Nyx sighed in relief as he eventually neared the wall, letting out the breath that he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding before grasping hold of the jagged edge nearest to him and using his arms to pull himself the remainder of the way. He slid down behind it so that his back leant against the solid, cool stone. His head was throbbing with his exertion and beads of sweat had formed on his forehead, causing his hair to cling to his face. Reaching up to push the stray strands of hair away, he was aware that his breathing was slow and laboured and, despite the sweat, his skin felt cold and clammy underneath his hand.

He looked down to examine his side, lifting up his blood-soaked shirt to inspect the wound more closely. A low groan emerged from his mouth as he tugged the sodden material away from his body to reveal a deep laceration, which seemed to be pumping out blood at an alarming rate. For a few seconds, he merely stared at it in fascination. It still didn’t seem real, almost like he was watching himself- a stranger- from outside his body. But the pain told him otherwise. This was very real and very serious. Nyx pressed his hand down firmly over the injury to attempt to stem the blood flow but, despite his best efforts, it didn’t seem to be working, blood continuing to ooze through the gaps in his fingers.

“Shit…” he muttered to himself. Breathing was becoming an effort and he knew he didn’t have long before he fell unconscious. The wall provided some protection but it wouldn’t keep himself safe forever. If he passed out, he wouldn’t be able to defend himself and if the daemons found him…

Nyx leant his head back and closed his eyes, the pain building to a level of such intensity that he found himself willing death to come quickly, to take him away from this agony. When he had woken up that morning, safe and contented as he lay tucked in beside Cor, their bodies intertwined as they held each other close, he hadn’t thought that this might be the day he would die. If he had, there was so much more he would have said. More than anything, he wished that Cor was beside him now so that he could tell him that he loved him one last time.

It was so cold now, like he had been submerged in a pool of ice-cold water, and Nyx could feel his muscles trembling uncontrollably as a shiver ran down his spine. Why was it so cold? He craved Cor’s touch, desperately wishing that he could feel his arms around him, comforting and warm. He could feel the beating of his heart, the pumping of blood in his head getting weaker with each passing second. His breaths were loud and ragged, every one sounding like he was gasping for air, struggling to get enough oxygen to fill his lungs.

And then it was silent.

He couldn’t hear his own breathing anymore. Even the pounding of his heart had stopped. It should have been terrifying but, strangely, all traces of fear had disappeared- he felt at peace. Was this what it felt like to die? If so, it wasn’t at all like he imagined.

Nyx opened his eyes, blinking several times as he squinted into the sunlight. He didn’t feel tired anymore and the pain in his side had completely disappeared. In fact, he was sure that if he looked down, he would find no trace of the injury that had caused him so much pain only a few moments ago. Instead of the dark, dreary, smoke-smeared clouds hat he expected to meet his gaze, he instead found himself staring at the crystal blue skies of his childhood. He was back in Galahd, he knew that without even having to see anything else. He could just feel it. But how was that possible? 

“Nyx.” A voice, calm and full of kindness, interrupted his thoughts. It sounded familiar but Nyx couldn’t quite place it. It was a voice from a different life, from a long time ago.

He raised his head, smiling as his eyes met a pair of deep brown eyes, identical in colour to his own.

“Selena?” he whispered.

“Nyx. It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you so much.” The girl smiled back, her eyes twinkling in the sunlight.

Nyx started to get to his feet. It had been years since he had last seen his sister, but she didn’t look any different. If anything she looked younger, more beautiful than ever. She moved towards him gracefully, almost as if she was floating on air rather than walking, her long, chestnut-brown hair billowing out around her shoulders as she moved.

“Nyx,” she said again, reaching out to place a hand delicately on his arm, her skin soft, warm and comforting.

“Selena…where am I? Am I…dead?”

His sister laughed softly as she pulled him into a tight embrace. He hugged back, holding her close. A few moments ago he had been desperate to cling to life, to latch onto it until his bones turned to dust. But now he wasn’t sure he would want to return even if he was given the choice. He felt so peaceful here, like all the worries and burdens that he had been carrying around for so long had been removed from his shoulders. He felt light, like he- too- could float on air if he tried.

“No, Nyx. You’re not dead. Not yet, anyway.” Selena pulled away, holding Nyx at arms length as she looked him over, her eyes losing their sparkle as the expression on her face changed to one of sadness. “I’m afraid you can’t stay here. Not now. It is not your time.”

“But why?”

“There are people that need you more than I do. You must return.” 

“No,” Nyx cried in frustration. “I can’t fight anymore, Selena. I’m so tired of everything. Please let me stay with you!”

“You _can_ fight, Nyx- and you must. You have so many people relying on you.” Selena gave him a small smile, reaching up to stroke the side of his face gently. She turned and began to walk away, pausing to speak one last time. “You are strong, dear brother. Don’t give up.”

“Wait! Selena!” 

But even as he spoke the words, the blue skies began to fade out of view and the gunfire and explosions of the battle returned.

He heaved as he took in a large gulp of air, opening his eyes and looking around in confusion. The pain was making it hard for him to focus and he could hear himself breathing heavily, panting as he tried to control the pain that consumed him. Where was he? What the fuck was going on? Just when he was sure that he was about to lose touch with reality again, he felt a hand firmly grip his shoulder, anchoring him to the present.

“Hush, Nyx. You’re going to be okay. I’m here now.”

“Cor? But…how? I don’t understand…”

“We thought we’d lost you there for a moment. Cor had to resuscitate you- mouth to mouth and everything!” Libertus smirked, crouching down beside him and running a hand across his forehead, He turned to look up at Cor. “He feels warmer, at least. I think we got here in time.”

Cor knelt down beside him, placing one hand underneath his chin and lifting his head slightly so that they were eye to eye.

“I’m not taking any chances. That wound is deep and he’s lost a lot of blood. We need to get him out of here as soon as possible. Go and get the others to help move him.”

“Sure thing, Marshal,” Libertus replied. “Hang on in there, Nyx. We got this.”

Cor let go of Nyx’s chin, moving his hand to the side of his head where it lingered reassuringly, fingers laced into his braids.

“How are you feeling?” Cor smiled but Nyx could see the concern etched across his face.

“I…I don’t know,” Nyx replied, his words catching in his throat. “I was…I was in Galadh. Selena was there…I think…” His voice trailed off as he realised the absurdity of what he was saying. Of course he hadn’t been in Galadh. It was impossible.

“Selena? Your sister?”

“Yeah…I mean…It seemed so real.” He swallowed, blinking back tears as he pictured his sister’s face once more. “I…Is this real? I don’t know any more…”

Cor sat down next to him, so close that the were touching. Nyx hesitated for a second before leaning his head down so that it rested on Cor’s shoulder.

“Yes, Nyx. This is real. _You_ are real.” Cor soothed, draping one arm around Nyx and pulling him in closer. 

They sat there together, arms wrapped around each other as they waited for Libertus to return with help. For a few moments, no words passed between them. They simply sat, Cor stroking the side of Nyx’s scalp as Nyx focused on the steady beating of Cor’s heart, trying to match his own breathing to the rhythmic breaths of his lover. After a while- Nyx didn’t know how long- Cor spoke again. 

“Did she say anything?”

“What?”

“Selena- did she say anything when you saw her?” 

“Oh. She said…she told me that I needed to come back. That people needed me.” Nyx looked down at the floor, wiping his hand across his eyes to rub away the tears that threatened to run down his cheeks. Cor pulled his hand gently away from his face and held it tightly in his own.

“Well, she was right,” he whispered softly.

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Cor smiled, bending down to place a delicate kiss on the top of Nyx’s head. “I need you.”

Nyx titled his head to allow his lips to graze against Cor’s, smiling in spite of the pain as he saw Cor staring down, his emotions clearly displayed on his face. Love. That was the reason he'd had to come back. He suddenly felt grateful to be alive, happy that he had somehow managed to survive and return to the land of the living.

Selena was right as always. This is where he belonged.


	4. Reignition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Cor finds out that Nyx has been unable to use his magic in battle, he immediately knows something is wrong and rushes to be by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written for Glaive Week Day 5- Prompt: Elements 
> 
> As someone who suffers from very severe, debilitating depression and anxiety, I'm not naive enough to believe that love is enough to fix everything. But it is surprising how much having someone who loves you for who you are and understands what you need can be enough to keep you going through the tough days.
> 
> Thank you to the one who loves me through everything. This is for you <3

“Marshal?”

Cor turned around, sighing in frustration at the interruption. He had things he needed to do. Places he needed to be. He didn’t have time for whoever it was that wanted to talk to him. Not today.

His expression softened slightly as he spotted that it was Libertus' who had called his name. The glaive was making his way purposefully towards him, gesturing at him to wait. Crowe walked by Libertus’ side, almost having to run to keep up with his long strides, the concerned look etched across her face making Cor wonder what had happened. 

He didn’t know the two friends well, but he knew how much they meant to Nyx- how close the three of them were- so he was really trying to make an effort whenever he saw them. It was hard. Cor wasn’t much for social situations these days- he had found them difficult at the best of times, even when he had been younger and less nervy. But now they were pretty much unbearable. He found his anxiety growing at the mere thought of them, which- in turn- made him come across as angry and unapproachable when he was forced to attend.

He wasn’t completely sure that Nyx enjoyed socialising either, though he was certainly better at it than Cor was. He had lots of friends- other glaives like him, mostly- and, when he spent time with them, he seemed like a different person. Cor sometimes thought he was the only person who saw the real Nyx- often withdrawn, uneasy, emotional in his own way. With his friends, there was more of a spark, and a glow of happiness that was never usually there seemed to emanate from him. He smiled more, his eyes twinkling as he laughed. Cor was never sure if it was real or whether Nyx was pretending but, regardless, he liked seeing him that way. It made him smile to see him so relaxed, no longer locked in an internal battle with his thoughts and memories as he so often was when the two of them were alone.

So, in spite of his reservations, he was making more of an effort to get on with Nyx’s friends. And, although he would never say it, he was beginning to actually like Libertus and Crowe. They were good for Nyx. They cared about him, and Cor knew that if- gods forbid- anything ever happened to him that meant Nyx was left on his own, they would always be there to support him. That alone made them easy to like.

He took a deep breath, giving Libertus a small smile as he came nearer.

“Hi, Libertus. You need something?” 

His voice sounded tired- he was aware of that- but he hoped that he had managed to keep the irritation that he had been feeling all day out of his voice. He didn’t know why, but he desperately wanted Libertus to like him, wanted him to feel like he was good enough to be with Nyx. It had been many years since he had remembered being so eager to gain someone’s approval. Most of the time now he just didn’t give a shit what people thought of him, didn’t care at all how he came across. He hated that he cared about this so much, but he just couldn’t help it. He loved Nyx and wanted Nyx’s friends to see that he could look after him, that their relationship was a good thing for both of them.

As he got closer, Cor saw that Libertus’ wasn’t returning the smile, his eyes- usually sparkling with laughter- dull and and hollow. In place of the familiar cheeriness that Cor expected, his cheeks were flushed pink and a concerned frown was fixed on his face. He glanced across at Crowe, who had much the same expression on her face. She was biting her lower lip and fiddling nervously with the buttons on her jacket.

Cor felt his own smile slipping from his face.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened?” He tried to speak calmly, to keep the emotion that was welling up inside him out of his voice, but he wasn’t sure that it had worked. His words seemed to stick in his throat, coming out sounding weak and slightly hoarse.

“Have you spoken to Nyx this afternoon?” Libertus spoke softly, looking down at his boots rather than meeting Cor’s eyes.

“Why? Gods…is he hurt?”

“No Marshal, it’s nothing like that,” Crowe said, her lips twisting into a small- but sad- smile. 

Cor let out the breath that he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, the tension in his body relaxing slightly as he took in Crowe’s words. He hated how frightened he got when Nyx was out on a mission. Things were too dangerous now and he was more aware than anyone that Nyx was never as careful as he needed to be. He was reckless, and Cor knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to put himself in danger if it meant protecting somebody else. It was Nyx’s job- he understood that- but Nyx went above and beyond the call of duty. It was just the sort of person he was, and it was one of the many reasons Cor loved him. But, at the same time, he would never be able to forgive himself if he got hurt. All Cor wanted was to keep him safe, to make sure no harm ever came to him.

“I don’t understand.” Cor looked at the two glaives in confusion. If Nyx wasn’t injured, why did they look so worried? Why had they been so desperate to talk to him? “Something's wrong…”

“I don’t…it’s hard to explain,” Crowe continued, biting her lower lip again as she paused. “It’s just…is Nyx…has he seemed okay to you?”

Cor thought back to when he had last seen Nyx that morning. They had been lying in bed peacefully when Cor’s alarm had gone off- much earlier than normal since he had a particularly busy day ahead of him and he wanted to make sure that he would be able to get home in time to spend the evening with Nyx. He knew him well enough now to know that, after any sort of mission that involved fighting and killing, Nyx would need him by his side, would need some sort of comforting- even if he would never ask for it himself. As he had pulled his arm from where it lay wrapped around Nyx’s stomach, Nyx had tried to cling on to it, wordlessly pulling him closer into the embrace. Cor had wanted nothing more than to stay holding him, their warm bodies pressed together and his head resting against Nyx’s back, his lover’s long unbraided hair tickling his closed eyelids. But, instead, he had placed a quick kiss on the top of Nyx’s head before slipping out of his grip, muttering a simple ‘be careful' into his ear as he grabbed his clothes and tiptoed out of the bedroom, hoping that Nyx would be able to drift back off to sleep for a while longer.

_Had_ he seemed okay? Cor racked his brains, desperately trying to remember if there had been anything strange about his lover. He had been a little clingier than usual, maybe, but he couldn’t think of anything else. There was nothing that had worried him, at least. And he was always on the look out for any sign that Nyx was sinking back into the depression that he still struggled with.

“He’s been fine,” Cor replied. “At least, I think he has…” His voice cracked as he spoke and he cleared his throat gruffly, turning his face away as he blinked back the tears that had formed at the corners of his eyes.

He saw Libertus glance at Crowe, who shook her head silently- responding to the somehow telepathic conversation that seemed to be passing between the two of them.

“What the hell is going on?” Cor suddenly felt a surge of anger. Something had happened and they were hiding it from him.

“You should talk to Nyx, Marshal, ” Libertus muttered. “I don’t think it’s our place to say anything.”

“If there's a problem, it’s your damn responsibility to say something!” Cor exploded, gritting his teeth in an effort to regain some sort of composure. He ran his hands across his brow and through his hair, feeling his face burning with suppressed rage as he did so.

“I promise he’s alright, Marshal,” Crowe said, taking a step closer to him and placing her hand on his arm. Normally, the physical contact would have only angered Cor further, but this felt different. It was reassuring, calming almost. He felt his anger begin to die down, the knot that had been forming in his stomach unravelling until he was able to breathe normally again. “He’s not in any danger and I'm not sure that we can explain properly what happened- that’s the only reason Lib is hesitant to try to tell you. All I know is that we were out there, fighting the daemons, and Nyx’s magic…well, I don’t know. It just didn’t work. It stopped working. We thought…we thought you might know why…”

“Stasis?” Cor asked. He didn’t know much about this kind of magic, other than that Nyx was able to harness it- borrow it, in effect- from the king. 

“I dunno,” Libertus mumbled. “Didn’t seem like it. Nyx got kinda freaked out about it. Wouldn’t talk to us. We tried to look for him after but…”

“Shit,” Cor muttered under his breath, letting out a loud sigh as he considered how Nyx must be feeling. Using magic was his thing. He was so good at it. He was probably feeling so useless right now, which is why he wouldn’t have wanted to talk. He wouldn’t have wanted people to see him as a failure, though Cor was sure that’s how he saw himself at this moment. He ran his hand across his forehead again. Poor Nyx. As if he didn’t have enough to deal with…

“Sometimes…” Crowe started to talk, speaking slowly as if she was trying to choose the right words. “I don’t know this for sure, but sometimes I can feel my emotions powering my magic. I don’t know if it works the same for everyone but…well, it’s like that for me so I wondered…maybe it’s the same for Nyx?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m no expert. I don’t understand it myself really. I’m not sure anybody does- not even King Regis,” Crowe replied, scuffing the edge of her boot back and forth across the ground as she avoided eye contact.

“But you have an idea.” It wasn’t a question. Cor could see the cogs turning in Crowe’s mind. He knew that she used magic herself. In fact, Cor had heard that she was incredibly talented. One of the best. So if she had any idea how to get Nyx’s magic working again, he was more than willing to listen.

“Yeah. Like- if I’m really tired or sad or something, it just doesn’t come easily. I’ve never not been able to use it but… it’s harder. It requires more thought. But when I’m excited- that’s when it works best. It’s like it needs a push. Adrenaline or something.”

Cor considered Crowe’s words. It all made sense. If Nyx wasn’t feeling good, there wouldn’t be enough adrenaline to drive his magic, which would explain what had happened today. It was easily fixed though.

“Thank you, Crowe. I think I’ll head home and speak to him. Hopefully he’ll open up to me.”

“He will, Marshal,” Libertus spoke up. “He trusts you.”

Cor smiled. Nyx trusted him- those words meant so much to him. He would show Nyx that he was right to trust him. He wouldn’t let him down.

********

Cor let himself into the apartment, shrugging off his coat and unlacing his boots before stepping out of them and kicking them into the corner so they were out of the way. He took a deep breath before moving further down the hallway. This was going to be a tough conversation, but it was one that needed to be had.

“Nyx?”

His heart fell when there was no reply. Nyx always greeted him when he got home, stopping whatever he was doing to come and meet him at the door, softly kissing his lips and wrapping his arms around him. It was a level of intimacy that Cor had never thought he’d be able to get used to, but he found himself craving it more and more these days.

“Nyx?” he called again. “Are you home?”

Silence filled the apartment. Cor swallowed as he cautiously pushed open the door to the living room. 

“Hey,” Nyx murmured, not lifting his head to look in Cor’s direction. He was curled up on the couch, legs pulled up to his chest- a position that Cor knew he only assumed when things were really bad. His hair was in disarray and fell down in a veil over his face, but it wasn’t enough to hide the red-rimmed eyes that gave away the fact he’d been crying. 

“What happened?” Cor crouched down beside him, pushing the hair away from his forehead with calm, measured strokes. Nyx closed his eyes and leant further in to Cor’s touch.

“I don’t know,” he sniffed. “I just…I just don’t know. I feel…bad. It’s probably all in my head again but I-I missed you. I wanted to call you and get you to come home but I just…I felt so stupid.” Cor watched helplessly as a single tear slid down Nyx’s cheek, leaving a water-marked trail behind it. “I need you, Cor. I really need you.”

“I’m here now,” Cor whispered, wiping the tear away, his hand lingering against the warm softness of Nyx’s skin. He didn’t know how they’d got here, how they’d fallen into this relationship. But he was grateful for it. He knew that he needed Nyx just as much as Nyx needed him. 

Cor got to his feet as Nyx shifted slightly, sitting up just enough for Cor to squeeze in beside him on the couch.

“You’re not stupid,” he said as he guided Nyx’s head back so that it rested on his lap. They sat there quietly, Cor running his hands reassuringly through his lover’s hair, the silence only broken by the occasional sniff.

“I spoke to Libertus…” Cor muttered eventually. “He told me about your magic.”

“Oh…” The word was so quiet, so sad, that the sound of it broke Cor’s heart.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I…I don’t know. I just feel so fucking useless, Cor. If I can’t use magic, I’m nothing. I’m a fucking failure.”

“You know that’s not true.” Cor lifted Nyx’s head slightly, encouraging him to sit up. He was shocked to see his lover’s chest heaving with silent sobs, tears streaming down his face like an never-ending river of pain. “Nyx, look at me.” He took hold of Nyx’s chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting it upwards so that he was forced to meet Cor’s eyes. “You are far from useless. You are amazing- you got that?” 

“You’re just saying that,” Nyx whispered, the words emerging as almost inaudible gasps. He tugged his head out of Cor’s hand and turned away. “How can I protect King Regis if I can’t do the only thing I’m good at? I might as well be…”

“Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.” Cor cut him off mid-sentence, the desperation rising in his own voice now. He hated to see Nyx like this. Things had been better for so long that Cor had almost forgotten what it was like when the depression really took hold. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that.” He placed his hand on the side of Nyx’s head, massaging it gently as he turned it to face him again. He leant down slightly to allow his lips to brush those of his lover, kissing away each wet tear away as it drifted down his cheek to meet his mouth.

They sat there for several minutes, their foreheads touching as they tuned in to each other’s breathing.

“Crowe said that the use of your magic could be linked to your emotional state.”

“Really? She said that?” Nyx pulled away, a glimmer of hope in his eyes that caused Cor’s heart to leap.

“Yeah. She seemed to know what she was talking about.” Cor smiled, a feeling of relief flooding through him as he noticed an immediate change in Nyx’s mood.

“I guess…I guess it makes sense. I _have_ been feeling pretty bad recently.” Nyx sniffed again, reaching up to rub his hand over his eyes.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You know you can always talk to me.” Cor pulled Nyx’s hand away from his face, grasping it in his own and lacing their fingers together, running his thumb delicately across his lover’s knuckles. 

“Sorry. I just…” Nyx paused, glancing at Cor as if looking for some sort of reassurance. Cor smiled again, urging him to continue. “I just didn’t want you to think I was going backwards. I thought if things got hard again…I thought you’d leave.”

A sudden sob, loud and sorrowful, escaped Nyx’s mouth and he collapsed forward so that his head was tucked into Cor’s chest.

“Oh Nyx,” Cor sighed, wrapping his arms around Nyx’s shoulders and pulling him closer to him. He ran his hands across the back of his neck, massaging gently through the gaps in the braids. “I’m sorry I made you think that. I’m not going anywhere. Not ever, do you understand?” He sat there, unsure what else to do, his hands firmly holding onto Nyx until the sobs gradually began to die down.

“Thank you.” 

“What are you thanking me for?” Cor laughed, tugging on one of the braids and forcing Nyx to sit back up. He dropped a gentle kiss on Nyx’s lips, still chuckling to himself as he did so.

“Just…for…for loving me. Even like this.”

“ _Especially_ like this,” Cor murmured, pulling Nyx in for a deeper, more passionate kiss that he never wanted to end. Eventually Nyx drew back, a serious expression on his face.

“So you think it’ll get better? The magic, I mean. I haven’t lost it forever?”

“I wouldn’t have thought so,” Cor replied. “We’ve just got to get that spark back. Got to reignite the adrenaline so that the magic has something to draw it’s energy from.”

“Any ideas?” Nyx asked hopefully, his lips twitching into a small smile.

“Plenty,” Cor laughed, running a single finger down Nyx’s back and watching him shiver in anticipation before wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him in for another long, firm and fiery kiss. “At this rate, you’ll get your magic back in no time!”

Nyx grinned, the smile reaching his eyes this time, causing the remnants of the tears to sparkle in the light.

“I love you, you know,” he whispered.

“I know.” Cor reached up a hand to tuck Nyx’s hair behind his ear, lingering upon one of his braids, enjoying the sensation of the softly woven strands of hair beneath his fingers. He leaned his head down to whisper into Nyx’s ear, his face so close that he could feel warm breath caressing his cheek. “I just want to say one thing: your magic might come and go depending on your mood but I will _never_ leave.”

“Promise?” Nyx stared up at him, the hope that filled his eyes making him look so child-like and innocent. 

“I promise." Cor paused again, dusting his fingers lightly along the line of Nyx's jaw. It was always hard to say how he was feeling, even now after all this time together. They knew what they meant to each other, but the words were rarely said. This was different though. Now, Nyx needed to hear them, needed to know how important he was. Cor cleared his throat, looking Nyx straight in the eye. "I love you too," he breathed. "Always.”


End file.
